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Death is only the beginning; afterward, comes the hard part…

When I wake up, the other side of the bed is empty. I miss him. It’s a bright cold day in April as the clocks strike thirteen, and my eyes open.  I get up and grab a drink.

Meanwhile, I still miss him.

Sitting down alone in the TV lounge, my hand blindly fumbles for the remote to turn on the TV. Instantly my vision blurs, my mind travelling far away as I’m caught within the depths of my own head. It’s only when I hear the sound of a familiar name that I’m snapped out of my fantasy.

“…one night, about a month ago, the husband was driving his car a few blocks away, talking to his wife on the phone when he hit another car. Our sources say his wife, Lucinda Palmer, had been getting worse in the hospital and was recently submitted to a mental insti…”

The TV clicks off as I let the silence begin to consume me once again. My sight is blurry. I see him move at the side of my vision and take a long drink.

“Angel… Angel. I’m still here with you. Always,” His voice rings in my ears and his silhouette creeps closer. It’s suffocating. “I watch over you, my love. You were always my angel; now, I can be yours.”

I don’t turn my head — can’t turn my head — when my eyes train to the blank screen of the TV, mimicking my current state of mind. I can’t make sense of what is happening but this certainly isn’t the first time. My angel… Huh. Funny thing is, I don’t really believe in angels.

“There’s never a moment when I don’t… Never a moment when — Angel? You know I forgive you right?” My mouth opens but nothing comes out. I’m caught between screaming my head off and collapsing in sorrow, as a tear runs down my cheek slowly and crashes down onto my hand. “I know why you lied; why you said you don’t love me anymore. It’s okay… It’s okay… It’s…”

My heart pounds against my chest and I can’t take it anymore. My eyes feel like five pound weights as they snap shut. I try desperately to calm myself. Oh god, oh god… Oh god, oh god. I press the heels of my hands against eyes.

Oh god.

I start to see the swirls of white encase the black of my vision and… Please! I press even harder. Harder and harder and I grimace. I grimace and it hurts and it hurts, it hurts and it.. It… It slips away.

It’s gone. The presence is gone…

I miss him even more.

My head throws back to rest on the couch and I look up at the white tiles on the ceiling. It’s okay. The cancer is catching up, it’ll be okay soon. I won’t have to lie to him or myself anymore… I’ll start anew. After all, death is only the beginning.

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Photo Creds: http://d2jv9003bew7ag.cloudfront.net/uploads/Jung-Lee-You-Never-Know-How-Much-I-Love-You.-Image-via-oneandj.com_.jpg